My daughter is Asian and black. You might only see black. You might be turned away from the color of her skin or the texture of her hair – she’s black. You might be so driven from your unexplainable hatred for who she is, black. You might want to discriminate against her because of who she is, black. You might feel the urge to beat her, shoot her, slice her throat on the BART station in Oakland because of who she is, black. But just like your daughter, niece, granddaughter, mother, sister, she’s human. Just those women in your life, she’s loved. Just like those women, she has a future to look forward to.
Pay no mind to her, I don’t even care if you completely ignore her, just please don’t hurt my daughter because she’s, black. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter is just walking to school, if she’s in your way kindly ask her to move. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter, she’s just trying to learn in the same classroom as your white daughter. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter, is only trying to sell some lemonade this summer to buy some new toys. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter is no lesser than you. My daughter who is black is stronger and better than a person with your level of hate.
My daughter, who is black, will love people of all colors. My daughter will only judge a person on their merits, character, morals, and virtue. My daughter will not be ashamed of her beautiful brown skin and curly hair. My daughter will be resilient in the face of adversity. My daughter will be a voice for those who are too scared to stand up for themselves. My daughter is black and I will go to the ends of the earth to let every color hating, race discriminating, man or woman know that my daughter deserves to live and exist in this world no matter how much they cannot stand the color of her skin or the texture of her hair.
My daughter has beautiful naturally curly hair. I also have natural curly hair but have struggled with the finding the perfect products to compliment my curls. I love styling her hair. In these particular photos I used Cantu’s Leave-in Conditioning Repair Cream and Cantu’s Kids Care Curl Cream. As I was styling, I used a wide tooth comb to spread the product throughout her hair and let it air dry. The Cantu products don’t make he hair hard or sticky. He her was defined and moisturized all day long! My favorite for her hair is definitely the kids care curl cream.
I apologize for not posting my lunch meals from the past few days. I have been busy traveling a little bit for work. I did want to share with you all with what I’ve been up to. Emi and I had some free time to window shop. I found this book at Michael’s and I had to buy it. We’ve read it the past two nights. I also felt it heavy on my heart to type a little prayer over my life. I know I’ve shared my prayers with you all before, so I added a photo of it here. I hope you all have a blessed day and night.
The last people you’d think would make you feel shitty about yourself are your own parents.
That opening came out strong but that’s the truth isn’t it? We came out of our mother’s womb. We are supposed to feel protected by our fathers. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, I felt like a burden. It was in the month of February in 2018 when I realized that my father never loved me. I was simply a pawn in his game of chess.
I have five older siblings. They’re my half-siblings. For a very long time I never saw them as “half-siblings” they were simply my siblings. I didn’t understand why I never saw my older siblings that often. I just knew that my father didn’t like their mother. For a very long time my father made me feel like I needed to dislike my siblings because they refused to live with him and cut off all ties with their mother. That’s quite the life to live at a young age.
Fast forward to the age of 26. My relationship with my older siblings aren’t great and it never was and probably never will be. And I am okay. My father was using me as a pawn to shove it in his older children’s face. How? Well let me share my theory. My father wanted to show my siblings that if they would have chosen him over their mother then they would be successful. He was banking on me to become a super millionaire. That way he could say, ‘See if you were to have chosen to live with me and forget about your mother you could be as successful as her.’
I’m 26 and nowhere near the type of success he approves of. I am the first to graduate high school and the first to attend college and graduate with a degree. But I know deep down in my heart that my father didn’t care because I’m not rich. He wanted to use me to stick it to my siblings. Unfortunately he couldn’t use me. Unfortunately I’m just a “disappointment”, “disgrace”, “disrespectful”, “stupid”, “dumb”. Nothing I have done or could do will ever impress my father. As sad as that may sound, I know there are so many other people who have been mentally abused in this way – their parents.
There’s so much more I’d wish to say but I might just leave that for my book. This conclusion is definitely heartbreaking but it’s my reality. My father couldn’t use me to win over my older siblings so I’m useless and worthless in his eyes.
But I know I’m none of what he thinks of me.
Becoming a mother for the first time has been one of the most indescribable feelings ever. It is not easy. There are many challenges. Yet everything about parenting has been so rewarding. I’m always happy when I see Emilia learn something new. I want her to take in as much as she can. With us not having too many kids her age to have play dates with, I was looking for some sort of activity class or gymnastics to enroll her in. I thought something like that would be fun and beneficial for her. A few weeks ago my coworker mentioned to me that he and his wife take their daughter to a “Parent and Tot” class once a week. Of course I was interested. So this past Monday we took her to her first trial class. At first she was shy. She eventually knew that it was her playtime and she was trying the different courses and having such a blast. There were also other kids there to which I hope she feels more comfortable around as we attend more classes. Oh! She also received a stamp for completing the class. She didn’t show her excitement for the stamp at the class but when we got home she was extremely excited about her stamp!
I was a very shy child growing up. I was afraid to make friends. I still feel that timid shy little girl in my present time. I don’t want Emilia to be shy and afraid to make friends or meet new people. So I hope this class and the friends she makes helps to promote her social skills. Also, with us wanting to enroll her into preschool when she turns 3-4. I know being in a learning environment will help her!
Emilia attended her friend’s first birthday party yesterday. It’s still surreal to me that I am a mommy to a baby girl who is going to turn one in a few months. A mommy to a baby girl who is already attending her friend’s birthday party. Times seems to have flown by yet I was still able to embrace and enjoy every single moment.
I’m already starting to plan her first birthday party. HER FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY!
All glory is given to God for such a beautiful life. So thankful to be able to find light even in my darkest moments.