A daughter’s truth

AB24456C-6B76-40B7-9285-4985B94C1C11The last people you’d think would make you feel shitty about yourself are your own parents.

That opening came out strong but that’s the truth isn’t it? We came out of our mother’s womb. We are supposed to feel protected by our fathers. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, I felt like a burden. It was in the month of February in 2018 when I realized that my father never loved me. I was simply a pawn in his game of chess.

I have five older siblings. They’re my half-siblings. For a very long time I never saw them as “half-siblings” they were simply my siblings. I didn’t understand why I never saw my older siblings that often. I just knew that my father didn’t like their mother. For a very long time my father made me feel like I needed to dislike my siblings because they refused to live with him and cut off all ties with their mother. That’s quite the life to live at a young age.

Fast forward to the age of 26. My relationship with my older siblings aren’t great and it never was and probably never will be. And I am okay. My father was using me as a pawn to shove it in his older children’s face. How? Well let me share my theory. My father wanted to show my siblings that if they would have chosen him over their mother then they would be successful. He was banking on me to become a super millionaire. That way he could say, ‘See if you were to have chosen to live with me and forget about your mother you could be as successful as her.’

I’m 26 and nowhere near the type of success he approves of. I am the first to graduate high school and the first to attend college and graduate with a degree. But I know deep down in my heart that my father didn’t care because I’m not rich. He wanted to use me to stick it to my siblings. Unfortunately he couldn’t use me. Unfortunately I’m just a “disappointment”, “disgrace”, “disrespectful”, “stupid”, “dumb”. Nothing I have done or could do will ever impress my father. As sad as that may sound, I know there are so many other people who have been mentally abused in this way – their parents.

There’s so much more I’d wish to say but I might just leave that for my book. This conclusion is definitely heartbreaking but it’s my reality. My father couldn’t use me to win over my older siblings so I’m useless and worthless in his eyes.

But I know I’m none of what he thinks of me.

New Year, New Age

Hello New Year, Hello new age!

It’s now 2018. I didn’t do anything exciting on NYE. My fiancé, daughter, and sister stayed home. I backed some siracha and honey chicken wings and a cake. All in all, it was a good NYE. For a moment I did wonder what it would be like to be celebrating at a club or at a party but just the thought of dressing up, wearing heels, in the cold, uncomfortable didn’t sound fun. Maybe it did 4 years ago, but I just get so exhausted just thinking about having to dress up.

I’m also 26 today(Jan. 2). I don’t feel 26. Not because it’s just another year older, but with how crazy 2017 was I’m just so thankful to be able to have survived another year. I don’t feel necessarily older. I cannot say I’m super excited or anything. I think this is how other people feel when they say their birthday is just another day. I’ve always been a person excited to celebrate birthdays, perhaps because it wasn’t my birthday. I also haven’t had much luck with executing the perfect plan for my birthday celebrations either, so I know that partly explains my lack of enthusiasm for today. Furthermore there’s a lot of uncertainty still in my life. I know I need to live in the present more and I do most of the time. During high stressful or sensitive events in my life make it hard for me to always just live in the present. One day I hope to write a book and have a it published because I feel like I have so much to say. I know one or two people out there must be able to relate to me. I’m 26. Wow.. seriously as I am typing this post I am getting more and more excited. Thanks blogging!

There’s so much I am looking forward to and have plans for during the next few years. With my reconnection to God and Jesus Christ I feel so much more able and want to work more on walking with faith and conviction. 2017 has been a year of prayer, rebuilding my faith, and understanding that God has a plan for my life. I may not understand His plan.  I may want to fight against His plan for my life but I know he will not abandon me or forsake me. I cannot express to you how much God has been so good to me. Sometimes things happen to us or we put ourselves in situations where we feel hopeless. Like there is absolutely no one or nothing that we can go to or turn to that will make us feel better. I found God again and with how everything played out –none of it was easy of course- I still found a way to thank God. He doesn’t give us what we deserve. He is merciful. With that, I have also learned to live by prayer and some words of the Bible. Any time I felt myself feeling drained or uncertain, I would open up my Bible and read a verse or look back on my notes from Sunday church and recite the verse. All glory is to God for how much I, along with my family, were able to overcome.

To close all I want to say is live your best life. It is tough. I’m not going to pretend I’m the most calm and positive person on the planet but I know that we are only human. We must fight for what we believe in and stand up for ourselves. Please don’t let life and the situations we are in, whether you go yourself into or you were brought into, dictate your quality of life. Find your center, whether it be with your religion, hobby, family, etc. bring yourself to that center and remember our life can improve. My center happens to be God. Not just my religion but my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. All I want to do is live my best life and to make sure my daughter and hopefully, God allowing, our future children live their best lives.

From the bottom of my heart: S.S-J

BTW the chicken recipe I found on Pinterest was DE-LI-CIOUS! I’ll attach the link. Enjoy!

Sweet and Spicy Sriracha Baked Chicken Wings

To Him I Pray

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am at a stage of my life where I feel stagnant. I’m unsure where to go. I long for a better professional life but struggle with finding my path to accomplish this. I struggle with finding out how to tie my passion in with financial stability. I just want to be able to create and from my creations support my family. It tears me up inside because I have slowly started feeling this way and I don’t know where to start. I dream of becoming a creator like I see via the internet yet I don’t know where to start and lack the confidence. I pray that you help me find my way soon. I want Emilia to be proud of me and I want to be able to give Emilia a life of joy excitement and stability. I want to show Emilia that she should follow her dreams and work hard. 
In Jesus’ name,

Amen