Learning to Become a Wife (pt. 2)

As part 2 of this series of, Learning to Become a Wife, I wanted to focus on vulnerability. These past few days I have been hit hard with emotions. I felt every emotion you could think of. The first night, I cried in the dark. Literally as my daughter and fiancé were laying in the same bed as me, I was turned on my side facing away from them with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t help it. It was an uncontrollable, ugly, quiet sob. I wish I could’ve taken a picture of it to remember forever (just kidding).

So many of us don’t realize how much of our past can affect us as we become adults. Many times it’s our emotions that grow immaturely – especially after years of trauma and underdeveloped coping mechanisms. Even after being with my fiancé for a few years now, I have yet become emotionally vulnerable with him. It’s not because I don ‘t want to, it’s because I can’t seem to let my guards down enough to. Do you know how damaging it is for a person to hold in so much pain, anger, sadness, etc. for years on end? Not just that but how crazy it can make a person to feel like discussing these emotions out loud is wrong? How we feel inside portrays how we are on the outside. Every day I struggle with my own. thoughts. Every day I have to give myself positive affirmations in order to realize my own worth.

Vulnerability takes some of that off of our own shoulders. Being vulnerable allows us to take some of that negative energy and release it. By releasing it, or talking about it, we are taking the first step in dealing with our pain and healing. From my experience in relationships, being vulnerable is important for both partners. We all want to be perceived as the strong one, but there’s only so much our human bodies and minds can take. When you’re vulnerable, you’re telling your significant other that you need them. You are telling your significant other that, you are unable to resolve this issue and you need help. It’s difficult to ask for help. I understand. I hated asking for help. I still do. But we are human and we are made for social interaction. So if you cannot be vulnerable with your significant other, then why be with him/her?

Love breeds vulnerability. It simply comes with the territory. If we talk about vulnerability in the sense of intimacy, then more people understand. When we undress, we are our most vulnerable. We become “open” to the other person. So why can’t we become “open” with our feelings, thoughts, and emotions? Let me tell you why. It is much easier to undress ourselves physically because within minutes we can clothe ourselves. When we undress ourselves emotionally and mentally, in the instance the other person doesn’t respond well to us, it’s hard to take your vulnerability back. That is why it’s so difficult to be vulnerable with people, even our significant others. Our fear of being hurt or abandoned becomes more powerful than the need to heal. It is during the healing process when we are face to face with our pain. During the healing process we are forced to deal with our pain.

When dealing with our pain, that’s when it’s important for us to be completely vulnerable with our significant others. We need to lean on our partners. They are there to give us that support. They are there to be strong for us when we are weak. As we deal with all of the emotional and mental turmoil, it’s our partners who are there to help us. But if we never share whole selves with them, how would they or could they know how to help us?

So back to me crying late at night, in bed, in the dark. The next day, I texted my fiancé to apologize for being so short and and rude to him the night before. At that very moment, I felt something in me to share with him how I was feeling and what my thought process was. I felt so terrible about myself and I knew I needed someone to tell that to. With a quick phone call and short text, I felt like some weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Imagine if I didn’t open up to him, imagine if I didn’t have anyone to open up to. That mental and emotional pain might’ve gotten so bad that I couldn’t resorted to other means of “healing”. With me opening up and becoming vulnerable with him, I also brought us closer together. Our connection deepened a little. As silly as that sounds, it’s true. The more and more vulnerable we become with one another, in a relationship, the more we are leaning onto one another.

I think being vulnerable also allows us to deepen our trust in our significant other. I know as the years went by and the more open I was becoming with him, I started to trust him more and more. I was beginning to feel like, he’s my comfort. I started to feel like I mattered to him more and more. This doesn’t mean that he never made me feel like that from the start. It’s just a heightened feeling when you confide in someone and they perceive it well. All I can say is, choose a partner you can be vulnerable with. Don’t choose someone that dismisses your pain or your thoughts and feelings. Choose a person that invites the strong you and the vulnerable you. We all love to be strong because being strong makes being alone easy. Being vulnerable makes being married worthwhile.

Learning to Become a Wife (Pt.1)

*God put this on my heart to type out. God has been working hard on me and teaching me different ways to improve myself every day. I want to start a series of the many ways he is teaching and guiding me. One of these ways is teaching me how to become a good wife.*

For the past three years I have been with my Fiancé. Over these past three years I have learned so much about being in a relationship again. I’m also learning about how to love and care for someone else besides myself. After my long-term relationship for 7-8 years, I  went into a selfish stage in my life. Suddenly, I didn’t have to worry or care about a significant other. I didn’t have to worry about making sure I was good enough for another person. All I had to worry about was being happy and good enough for myself. Then after those two years of blissful single-ism, I not only found myself moving towards being a committed relationship, but in a situation I would have never imagined in a millions years I would be in.

My fiancé is a man of courage, honor, and love. Everything he has taught me, intentional or not, has shaped my idea of what love is. From the very beginning of our dating, he let me know what his intentions with me were. Believe it or not, he let me know that he wanted a marriage and kids the very first date. I was a little surprised. I thought it was interesting how a man could KNOW that he wanted to be married and have kids at such a young age. Of course we all know that men mature at a much slower pace than us women. I didn’t put too much thought into it though. As the days went by, we quickly grew closer and closer. Immediately I knew he was different.

How “honeymoon” stage came to quick end when we found out something that changed our lives forever. As quick as our infatuation took off, the cruel reality of our situation came even quicker. Our relationship was continuously put through the test. At every stage of this new journey I was expecting him to run. Every turn, every new hurdle, every disappointment, I expected to come home and see his things packed and disappear from my life forever. As luck would have it, he proved me wrong every single time. Still I would wait for that final straw to strike when he would turn to me and say “that’s it, I’m done!”

To have that type of state of mind in a relationship is unhealthy. You can’t build a strong relationship if you’re expecting it to fail.

Sacramento, Ca

As some of you may know, I dream of traveling. I’m still trying to make that happen financially but I know I’ll figure it out soon. In the meantime, I just visit my most frequent past travel destinations. One of them happens to be Sacramento, Ca. I love the atmosphere there. I love the food. I love the nightlife. I love it all! One day I hope to live there; especially when we decide to expand our family. Here are a few photos of my trip there a few weeks ago. Enjoy!

My daughter is BLACK

My daughter is Asian and black. You might only see black. You might be turned away from the color of her skin or the texture of her hair – she’s black. You might be so driven from your unexplainable hatred for who she is, black. You might want to discriminate against her because of who she is, black. You might feel the urge to beat her, shoot her, slice her throat on the BART station in Oakland because of who she is, black. But just like your daughter, niece, granddaughter, mother, sister, she’s human. Just those women in your life, she’s loved. Just like those women, she has a future to look forward to.

Pay no mind to her, I don’t even care if you completely ignore her, just please don’t hurt my daughter because she’s, black. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter is just walking to school, if she’s in your way kindly ask her to move. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter, she’s just trying to learn in the same classroom as your white daughter. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter, is only trying to sell some lemonade this summer to buy some new toys. My daughter, she’s black. My daughter is no lesser than you. My daughter who is black is stronger and better than a person with your level of hate.

My daughter, who is black, will love people of all colors. My daughter will only judge a person on their merits, character, morals, and virtue. My daughter will not be ashamed of her beautiful brown skin and curly hair. My daughter will be resilient in the face of adversity. My daughter will be a voice for those who are too scared to stand up for themselves. My daughter is black and I will go to the ends of the earth to let every color hating, race discriminating, man or woman know that my daughter deserves to live and exist in this world no matter how much they cannot stand the color of her skin or the texture of her hair.

Can I get a College Redo?

Can we get really real? Can I just be very vulnerable with you all? Okay, let’s.

Some just a couple of months we will see a lot of videos and photos of students walking across that stage to accept their diplomas and degrees. Many students are already posting their grad pictures and I love looking and reading every post.

I’m laying here just so proud of these people – random people. Then I couldn’t help to think about my own college journey. I attended two colleges. I was an English major. Originally I planned to get my degree and teaching credentials to become a high school English teacher. Then through the fear of job security I decided to figure out something else to put my degree to use for. What was my plan B? I didn’t have one. All I knew was I needed to make a lot of money because I was going to be in huge debt.

I bounced ideas. I started to panic. I tried to convince myself into thinking I was going to be okay. I tried to convince myself that my choice to not continue with my dream to become a teacher was good. If I could do college over again, I would. I actually enjoyed college. I just wish I knew what I wanted out of it. I wish, at the time, that I focused more on my education and interests than any mediocre drama I “thought” was important. I wasn’t taking my education seriously enough. I was determined enough. My future wasn’t important enough. I took it all for granted. I mean there I was in college with so many doors and opportunities available to me and I took it for granted.

Fast forward three years later post graduation and I’m working in a career not in my field; just trying to make the best of it. I’m just trying to succeed with what I settles for. It would be easy for me to say “college is a waste”, “higher education is corrupt”, “college education means nothing”. I started to think all of that. Because, like I said, I’m not working in my desired field. But in reality, I believe education is the key. We just have to be wiser as to how we choose to be educated and how we choose to apply the knowledge. It all starts with a desire to learn and the determination to become a success. I’m definitely not a success story of graduating college and working your dream job. But I do believe that I’m a great advocate for the younger generation to be more cognitive of themselves: their interests, dreams, ambitions. Because you can only feed your mind if you know what you need. You will reach success if you aim for it.

College isn’t easy and it isn’t for everybody. But I’m all for it. Even if I’m $60,000+ in debt. I hope, through my past mistakes, to guide my children onto the right path and help to set them up for success.

P.S. Yes, I do feel stupid for getting myself that much in debt with no strategy of paying it off in a reasonable amount of time. Yes, I really wish I could do college all over again because I would definitely proceeded towards my goal to become a teacher. At least I would have been doing something I loved and had a passion for.