Life is tough man

I have to fight hard to be able to look on the brighter side. There are many times in the past when I would just be paralyzed from a bad day. I wouldn’t be up to do anything for a few days. I would cry often and only saw the bad in every day. Years have passed and I am 25 now although I still have my moments my bounce back time is much quicker. Often times what kept me from optimism was fear. The fear of disastrous happening. ‘What if that?’ ‘What if this?’ ‘But that could go wrong.’ I was always expecting the worse. I let the fear of the future dictate everything about me.

After a few years I found myself turning to faith. I remember there was a point when I didn’t feel like I deserved to pray to God because I went so many years without doing so. I went years without praying for guidance or even giving thanks for what I had. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before but I find myself back here when I life gets tough again. My emotions get bottled up and I don’t know what to do. I want to cry but it’s difficult to cry. This is how I vent. This is part of my stress reliever.

“When life gets tough, the tough get going” It took me years to understand that saying, even longer to apply it to my own life. It’s always easier said than done because at the moment when you are dealing with problems it’s difficult to think straight. At that moment you are going off of emotion which 99% of the time is not a good idea. I am still working on thinking first and acting second.

 

BALANCE

Becoming a mother has taught me many things but one of the more important things is balance.

Raising children takes an entire different type of patience, time, and energy from you. Becoming a mother has been a tiring yet beautiful learning experience so far. I love to watch her laugh and scream in excitement. I can’t get over her smiles and her little “huh?!” Its beautiful to watch children discover and learn new things without you teaching them.

As I am becoming amazed and gushing over my daughter I realized that I am letting myself go – I have been having too much of the junk/fast food and not enough healthy food. I wasn’t able to figure out how to take care of myself. I know I mentioned in a previous post about learning how to take care of myself. I believe the first step in doing that is finding a good balance – things like not taking advantage of free time (if Emilia allowed me any), making sure I am on a healthy diet, making time for exercise, spend quality time with family and friends, personal time for myself to write, etc. For a few months I was struggling to find a balance.

Then one day, a couple of months ago, I was lying on my bed and saw my gut. I became a little disappointed in myself. Right after Emilia was born I was good, I made sure I ate well, walked around the house often, and wore my back support. Then I guess after I realized that I couldn’t breastfeed anymore I didn’t see an important reason to eat healthy and take care of my body. Finally, one weekend, a month ago, I got up and went to the gym. It wasn’t the best workout, I was there for 30 minutes but it was better than nothing. My body was slowly getting into movement again, it felt nice.

Fast forward to month and few weeks later, I worked the gym into my schedule. I work extra hard on the weekends, early in the morning. I am starting to eat right. And the best part, I have not disrupted my bonding with Emilia at all. I’m thankful for my mom’s help because without her it would be so much more difficult to find a balance. But she’s also who I learned balance from. My mom never stops.

A big part of balance is prioritizing. Which makes sense right? How can you make time for something without figuring out when and where it needs to get done? ‘Can I wait until the weekend to go to the gym? Yes. So I will work on laundry today.’ It’s about knowing the task you want to accomplish and prioritizing to get them done.

I have learned make use of my time in a way where I feel content. I don’t feel like I missed out on too much. I feel like I am taking care of myself and baby.

To Him I Pray

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am at a stage of my life where I feel stagnant. I’m unsure where to go. I long for a better professional life but struggle with finding my path to accomplish this. I struggle with finding out how to tie my passion in with financial stability. I just want to be able to create and from my creations support my family. It tears me up inside because I have slowly started feeling this way and I don’t know where to start. I dream of becoming a creator like I see via the internet yet I don’t know where to start and lack the confidence. I pray that you help me find my way soon. I want Emilia to be proud of me and I want to be able to give Emilia a life of joy excitement and stability. I want to show Emilia that she should follow her dreams and work hard. 
In Jesus’ name,

Amen

Mommy Rant

I am sitting here at my computer at work. I have felt this immense amount of emotion this morning. Actually at this very moment I am feeling the need to cry. Maybe it’s the fact that I feel overwhelmed? I k now I have been thinking about the future often. I love being a mother, it can get very exhausting sometimes, but I love it. With the 7 ½ months of being a mother I realized the most important thing to have is support, patience, and love. I couldn’t do this on my own. My family has played such a great role in helping to take care and raise Emilia.. Even with all of the help I still find myself overwhelmed sometimes. There are days when I feel like super mom followed by days when I feel like super crappy. No matter what, I always make sure I am mommy first. Working full time and being a mommy isn’t easy. I find myself exhausted by the end of most days. There was even a day when I had to ask for a day off just to sleep in the next day.

With becoming a mom I am starting to see the importance of taking care of yourself too. When I was single, no children, no attachments – I understood the importance of loving yourself. You know, single, no one to tell you that you’re beautiful every day. So of course, I worked on loving myself more and making sure I felt confident in myself in everything I did. Then I became a mom and I realize that I need to take care of myself. Between work, taking care of Emilia, and taking care of every other part of my adult life – I needed to find a balance. I needed to find outlets to let out my frustrations. I needed to get back to eating healthy and getting fit. It is essential for me to make sure that I am in tip-top shape. Why? Simply because I am a mom. I want to be in my best physical, mental, and spiritual condition because I want to make sure that Emilia gets the best of me.

I’m still new to motherhood. I’m learning as I go as well as getting advice from family and friends. At the end of the day I want to be the best mother I can for Emilia. Lately I have been going to the gym on the weekends. Last weekend I didn’t miss a day. It felt amazing. I noticed my overall mood was much happier. I wasn’t tired. I had the energy to do so much. At the moment I am trying to establish a good gym schedule for during the week. It feels good to write again. Though ‘writing’ has taken another meaning with the popularity of blogging, but nonetheless the concept is the same. The best way for me to express myself is through my writing and I haven’t been able to do much of it. So this right here, this post, feels amazing.

My Money Woes

goal
ɡōl/
noun
plural noun: goals
the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result.
“going to law school has become the most important goal in his life”

At the age of 24 (soon to be 25) I am desperately trying to get my life on track. My main goal right now is to take care of my debt. I am slowly getting myself on track but I have a long ways to go. I decided to really take control of my finances. In the year and a half I wasn’t being a very responsible adult and did not budget correctly. I was late on payments often. I definitely dug myself into a big whole. Therefore I decided to write down goals for myself and take more responsibility for myself and my money. Although most of my money really just goes to lunch for work. I still find myself struggling to catch up and pay.

I am working on my discipline and pray that I will be at least caught up by the end of this year or early next year so that I can start saving for mine and my family’s future!

To Him I pray

I have imagined my life very different. I always had a plan for how I would live my life – when things would happen, who would be in my life. These past few years really took me by surprise. God had other plans for me. God wanted me to learn and grow. God needed me to see that I was not living the life he intended for me. Although this path God is putting on is tough, some days unbearable, I know he has not left me alone. He gave me people to help me through it all. He gave me people who love me. He gave me people to teach me. I just pray for strength to fight these battles and trials that you are putting me through so that I will become the woman you have always meant for me to be.
Please forgive me for my sins and guide me to live a life that honors you.

Amen