Learning to Become a Wife (pt. 3)

Communication: “2. means of connection between people or places, in particular”.

Any relationship that is absent of communication is absent of growth and vulnerable to separation, temptation, and resentment. Often times, couples will say, ‘there was a lack of communication’, when too much time has passed and now they want out of the relationship. Communication is associated with spending quality time or bonding time. At the root of many relationships, communication is the #1 proponent to a healthy relationship. Without communication, issues, concerns, and questions never become heard or addressed. So you can only imagine if a person has kept in their emotions for so long without being able to voice or communicate their emotions to their partner, how damaging it is to hold it all in for so long – which ultimately leads to separation if no one decides to take the time to communicate.

I often observe the word communication is only brought up when one or both partners have reached their limit. Someone will accuse the other of not communicating enough, not listening enough, not paying attention, etc. So what accounts to all of these communication issues? Well, I think a lot of it has to do with our pride. So why am I choosing to talk about this? Besides the fact that communication is a necessity for ALL relationships even platonic ones, I have seen how a lack of communication has affected my mental and emotional space. Therefore, it affects how I am in my relationship with my fiancé.

Recent events opened up my eyes to how important communication is. I know, I’m 26 soon to be 27 and was in one other serious relationship before my fiancé, and yes, it just registered with me how important it is to have good communication with your partner. Communication, not just a means to relay concerns or issues, but communication as talking about your days, how you are feeling today, and what your opinions are certain things are, etc. It’s crazy to think that sometimes it’s THAT simple, right? Yes, it’s that simple to talk about how work was or how annoyed you were with the lady standing in line at the store with you today. My fiancé would ask me every day, ‘how was work? How was your day? What did you do today”? My answers weren’t always the sweetest. You’d think, why? What’s the big deal about telling your partner how your day was, right? Right, I totally agree with you. That answer had more to do with me than him.

As I started this series, I’m at a very conflicting time in my life. I am stressed beyond imagination. My skin has even reacted to my stress and started breaking out in eczema and scalp psoriasis. This all started about three years ago. No, for those who have been following my story, it is not because of my fiancé. He just happened to come at the tail end of something I would’ve never imagined would happen to me. My stress levels started to become through the roof. I couldn’t handle it. So naturally my body shut down. I felt it made more sense to not show any emotion or passion about anything because my body needed all of that energy to make sure I won’t go crazy. I needed to make sure that all of the stress wouldn’t get the best of me so I chose to not communicate with my fiancé. Now, I see that it has caused me more damage than good.

Not communicating with my fiancé didn’t help anyone, especially me. I hate bottling my emotions. So why would it make sense for me to NOT talk to my fiancé about my day? We weren’t put on this earth alone, so why choose to go through the world alone? Almost every answer I gave was, “it was okay, I didn’t do anything”. Then go back on my phone.  Now imagine being in my fiancé’s shoes and feeling that cold, lame, pathetic answer every day – when all you’re trying to do is show interest in your fiancé. I can’t fathom the emotional toll it took on him every day. The past year the thought of that would wiggle its way into my mind. I started to reflect on it later that night or the next day of how I could’ve responded better. Then of course being the prideful woman I am, I shook off the feeling. I continued to tell myself, ‘it’s because I’m stressed’, until recently, God made me see how wrong I was for dismissing the love and care for the man that He sent for me.

So we had a recent setback. During the entire process I held my composure. I showed no emotion. I walked in and walked out. Then as the day progressed, the outcome started to become heavier on my heart. It was crazy how you can be your own downfall sometimes. Usually my fiancé and I would talk about what happened and we’d always get into a heated discussion. But this time it was different. Instead of trying to be the regulator of his venting, I sat there and listened. I listened to his points, some valid, some straight out of emotion.  I just noticed the difference was listening. Sometimes we just need to vent. Sometimes we just need to say things to get it off of our chest. Most of the time we say things in anger or sadness that we don’t strongly believe or mea but we just need to let it be heard. Frequently that’s was the case with my fiancé.

My fiancé wears his heart on his sleeve. He is very emotional and passionate about, well, almost everything. So he needs to talk and communicate, especially on topics such as sensitive as what we’re going through. Yet I was being selfish and wouldn’t allow him to communicate, which forced him to hold it in. During this venting session, I just sat there and listened. In the beginning I was talking back. I brought up questions and such. Then I just found it more peaceful in my heart to just let him talk. It turned out to be a great discussion at the end of it all! Now let’s get back to the rest of the day. Well, of course my emotions and mind come late to the party. As the day continued, I became more emotional. Eventually I was crying and couldn’t contain myself. Well you see how quickly that emotional roller coaster went down.

Fast forward to the next day – my emotions are still in disarray. I then start to just talk to God, not in a calm manner either. I was angry, of course. I felt like I was being punished. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. If you knew the entire situation and events leading, then you’d probably think and feel the same way. I still went to work after getting in a good 20 minute cry before work. Worked. Then went home. My fiancé came home and like clockwork, ‘Hi babe, how was your day? How was work’? Instead of giving him the cold shoulder, I told him. I hold him about work. I told him about me crying before work. I told him how I was feeling throughout the day. I told him how I felt at that moment. I told him so much. Then he told me about his day. It was beautiful to see all of his expressions. It was amazing to see how alive he was just telling about the lunch that he had that day. Just in that conversation, I felt so good.

With that conversation alone, I felt more connected to him. I felt like I found the answer to my anxiety and fears. That answer was God and communication. God allowed an unexpected outcome to happen in order to guide me to my fiancé. To make me realize that He is with me and it’s through my fiancé. All I needed to do was communicate with him. All I needed to do was allow him to talk to me about the small things because that leads to the trust and compassion to discuss the big things. I know that was a long winded way to say, communicate with your partner. You don’t realize how much it will help the both of you to just take the time to communicate. You have chosen to be with this person, so why not work for a deeper connection? Why allow the flesh and the ways of the world to come in-between your relationship? Instead, take the time to talk and celebrate the little victories.

I realized that my fiancé is much more vocal than I am. I also know that my fiancé reacts in the moment while I take time to process it then allow my emotions to take effect after. We have to learn how to communicate. This doesn’t happen overnight. Different events bring out different things in us so we are always evolving as much so with how we speak to one another. Communication is important but you need to put in the effort. Communication is about selfishly and actively listening with loving and caring intentions.

I know, it sounds crazy to view communication in your relationship this way – very dramatic. But listen, take time to reflect and see how often and for how long do you and your partner talk about your days? Do you talk about your feelings on the daily? When you do have a disagreement, how do you handle it? Have you learned how each other communicate? If you are choosing this person to be your husband/wife, it no longer is about you. It becomes ‘we’. To create an everlasting relationship you need to understand each other and what better way than to communicate?

Meal break

I apologize for not posting my lunch meals from the past few days. I have been busy traveling a little bit for work. I did want to share with you all with what I’ve been up to. Emi and I had some free time to window shop. I found this book at Michael’s and I had to buy it. We’ve read it the past two nights. I also felt it heavy on my heart to type a little prayer over my life. I know I’ve shared my prayers with you all before, so I added a photo of it here. I hope you all have a blessed day and night.

Prayer Break

Father God,

I come to you this morning to give you praise. Thank you for showing your mercy towards me. Thank you for every blessing you have bestowed on me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for my ability to reach out to you whenever and where ever. Thank you for calling me back to you. Thank you for bringing people into my life you knew would help promote me. Thank you removing people you knew would only harm me and hold me back. Thank you for my job, car, home, mind, body, soul, and everything I may have taken for granted. Thank you for never being too far. Thank you for turning my problems into victories. Thank you for giving me the strength I never knew I had. Thank you for working in my relationship with Xavier.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Galatians 6:9

This is verse from the Bible struck me yesterday. I try my best to do the right thing or “good” thing. I’m a very realistic thinker. I used to be pessimistic in the past, more-so than I am now. From my own experiences I can say this, doing the right thing, the good thing, isn’t always the easiest thing. I still believe good will come from your struggle especially when your heart is in the right place.

Regardless of the difficulties, upon reflection I always come back to the same answer, “I would have still chosen to do/say this”. Sure a life without any complications may be easy but life isn’t set up like that. How else would we know what were made of if we get to show through our trials and tribulations?

New Year, New Age

Hello New Year, Hello new age!

It’s now 2018. I didn’t do anything exciting on NYE. My fiancé, daughter, and sister stayed home. I backed some siracha and honey chicken wings and a cake. All in all, it was a good NYE. For a moment I did wonder what it would be like to be celebrating at a club or at a party but just the thought of dressing up, wearing heels, in the cold, uncomfortable didn’t sound fun. Maybe it did 4 years ago, but I just get so exhausted just thinking about having to dress up.

I’m also 26 today(Jan. 2). I don’t feel 26. Not because it’s just another year older, but with how crazy 2017 was I’m just so thankful to be able to have survived another year. I don’t feel necessarily older. I cannot say I’m super excited or anything. I think this is how other people feel when they say their birthday is just another day. I’ve always been a person excited to celebrate birthdays, perhaps because it wasn’t my birthday. I also haven’t had much luck with executing the perfect plan for my birthday celebrations either, so I know that partly explains my lack of enthusiasm for today. Furthermore there’s a lot of uncertainty still in my life. I know I need to live in the present more and I do most of the time. During high stressful or sensitive events in my life make it hard for me to always just live in the present. One day I hope to write a book and have a it published because I feel like I have so much to say. I know one or two people out there must be able to relate to me. I’m 26. Wow.. seriously as I am typing this post I am getting more and more excited. Thanks blogging!

There’s so much I am looking forward to and have plans for during the next few years. With my reconnection to God and Jesus Christ I feel so much more able and want to work more on walking with faith and conviction. 2017 has been a year of prayer, rebuilding my faith, and understanding that God has a plan for my life. I may not understand His plan.  I may want to fight against His plan for my life but I know he will not abandon me or forsake me. I cannot express to you how much God has been so good to me. Sometimes things happen to us or we put ourselves in situations where we feel hopeless. Like there is absolutely no one or nothing that we can go to or turn to that will make us feel better. I found God again and with how everything played out –none of it was easy of course- I still found a way to thank God. He doesn’t give us what we deserve. He is merciful. With that, I have also learned to live by prayer and some words of the Bible. Any time I felt myself feeling drained or uncertain, I would open up my Bible and read a verse or look back on my notes from Sunday church and recite the verse. All glory is to God for how much I, along with my family, were able to overcome.

To close all I want to say is live your best life. It is tough. I’m not going to pretend I’m the most calm and positive person on the planet but I know that we are only human. We must fight for what we believe in and stand up for ourselves. Please don’t let life and the situations we are in, whether you go yourself into or you were brought into, dictate your quality of life. Find your center, whether it be with your religion, hobby, family, etc. bring yourself to that center and remember our life can improve. My center happens to be God. Not just my religion but my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. All I want to do is live my best life and to make sure my daughter and hopefully, God allowing, our future children live their best lives.

From the bottom of my heart: S.S-J

BTW the chicken recipe I found on Pinterest was DE-LI-CIOUS! I’ll attach the link. Enjoy!

Sweet and Spicy Sriracha Baked Chicken Wings

To Him I Pray

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am at a stage of my life where I feel stagnant. I’m unsure where to go. I long for a better professional life but struggle with finding my path to accomplish this. I struggle with finding out how to tie my passion in with financial stability. I just want to be able to create and from my creations support my family. It tears me up inside because I have slowly started feeling this way and I don’t know where to start. I dream of becoming a creator like I see via the internet yet I don’t know where to start and lack the confidence. I pray that you help me find my way soon. I want Emilia to be proud of me and I want to be able to give Emilia a life of joy excitement and stability. I want to show Emilia that she should follow her dreams and work hard. 
In Jesus’ name,

Amen

To Him I Pray

What can you do when you start to lose hope? When you feel like your prayers have not been answered? How do you prepare yourself for a battle you are too scared to face?

How do I continue to be the strong person I am supposed to be when I feel so defeated and weak?

Truth is, I’m terrified.

 

Dear Lord Jesus,

Tomorrow is the start of a very scary path. I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to handle this. I know I have to be strong. I am terrified. I’m scared of what the outcome might be. I’m scared that I won’t make the right decisions. I’m scared of the unknown. I pray that you are in there with me providing strength. I pray that you are in there with me providing courage to ask and say what I want. I am trying to do the right thing – the right thing for my daughter. But I am terrified. Did I fight hard enough to prevent this from happening? Did I voice myself loud enough so that people can hear me? Will I be letting my daughter down? Will odds be against me? Will I lose everything? I’m scared. I know I shouldn’t be. I am trying my hardest to get myself together and walk forward in your light and guidance. Please be with me tomorrow and shield me from anything that is not good for me and my daughter. Please protect us from those who wish to harm us and that you know will not benefit us.

In Jesus’ Name,

AMEN