As part 2 of this series of, Learning to Become a Wife, I wanted to focus on vulnerability. These past few days I have been hit hard with emotions. I felt every emotion you could think of. The first night, I cried in the dark. Literally as my daughter and fiancé were laying in the same bed as me, I was turned on my side facing away from them with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t help it. It was an uncontrollable, ugly, quiet sob. I wish I could’ve taken a picture of it to remember forever (just kidding).
So many of us don’t realize how much of our past can affect us as we become adults. Many times it’s our emotions that grow immaturely – especially after years of trauma and underdeveloped coping mechanisms. Even after being with my fiancé for a few years now, I have yet become emotionally vulnerable with him. It’s not because I don ‘t want to, it’s because I can’t seem to let my guards down enough to. Do you know how damaging it is for a person to hold in so much pain, anger, sadness, etc. for years on end? Not just that but how crazy it can make a person to feel like discussing these emotions out loud is wrong? How we feel inside portrays how we are on the outside. Every day I struggle with my own. thoughts. Every day I have to give myself positive affirmations in order to realize my own worth.
Vulnerability takes some of that off of our own shoulders. Being vulnerable allows us to take some of that negative energy and release it. By releasing it, or talking about it, we are taking the first step in dealing with our pain and healing. From my experience in relationships, being vulnerable is important for both partners. We all want to be perceived as the strong one, but there’s only so much our human bodies and minds can take. When you’re vulnerable, you’re telling your significant other that you need them. You are telling your significant other that, you are unable to resolve this issue and you need help. It’s difficult to ask for help. I understand. I hated asking for help. I still do. But we are human and we are made for social interaction. So if you cannot be vulnerable with your significant other, then why be with him/her?
Love breeds vulnerability. It simply comes with the territory. If we talk about vulnerability in the sense of intimacy, then more people understand. When we undress, we are our most vulnerable. We become “open” to the other person. So why can’t we become “open” with our feelings, thoughts, and emotions? Let me tell you why. It is much easier to undress ourselves physically because within minutes we can clothe ourselves. When we undress ourselves emotionally and mentally, in the instance the other person doesn’t respond well to us, it’s hard to take your vulnerability back. That is why it’s so difficult to be vulnerable with people, even our significant others. Our fear of being hurt or abandoned becomes more powerful than the need to heal. It is during the healing process when we are face to face with our pain. During the healing process we are forced to deal with our pain.
When dealing with our pain, that’s when it’s important for us to be completely vulnerable with our significant others. We need to lean on our partners. They are there to give us that support. They are there to be strong for us when we are weak. As we deal with all of the emotional and mental turmoil, it’s our partners who are there to help us. But if we never share whole selves with them, how would they or could they know how to help us?
So back to me crying late at night, in bed, in the dark. The next day, I texted my fiancé to apologize for being so short and and rude to him the night before. At that very moment, I felt something in me to share with him how I was feeling and what my thought process was. I felt so terrible about myself and I knew I needed someone to tell that to. With a quick phone call and short text, I felt like some weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Imagine if I didn’t open up to him, imagine if I didn’t have anyone to open up to. That mental and emotional pain might’ve gotten so bad that I couldn’t resorted to other means of “healing”. With me opening up and becoming vulnerable with him, I also brought us closer together. Our connection deepened a little. As silly as that sounds, it’s true. The more and more vulnerable we become with one another, in a relationship, the more we are leaning onto one another.
I think being vulnerable also allows us to deepen our trust in our significant other. I know as the years went by and the more open I was becoming with him, I started to trust him more and more. I was beginning to feel like, he’s my comfort. I started to feel like I mattered to him more and more. This doesn’t mean that he never made me feel like that from the start. It’s just a heightened feeling when you confide in someone and they perceive it well. All I can say is, choose a partner you can be vulnerable with. Don’t choose someone that dismisses your pain or your thoughts and feelings. Choose a person that invites the strong you and the vulnerable you. We all love to be strong because being strong makes being alone easy. Being vulnerable makes being married worthwhile.